You wouldn’t know it, but in this picture I was 7 weeks pregnant with our second baby. I was so scared. We thought we were ready to add to our family. I remember being so tired from the first trimester fatigue all I could do after work was come home and take a nap on the couch.
I went into my doctors appointment to confirm our pregnancy on Oct 7, 2016 to see our tiny little bean on the monitor for the first time. It’s little plus sign of a heart beat was beating at 171bpm – so fast for being so tiny.
Cadence was 18months old, so there was no way of trying to make her understand the concept of a new sibling. And we didn’t tell anyone because it was so early on. I’m pretty sure my mom knew on this work road-trip she took with me out to California, but she never said anything. Mother’s intuition is never wrong. 😉
What I didn’t expect was to go in for a follow up appointment at 10 weeks and the nurse not able to find the heartbeat on her handheld heart doppler. After even bringing out the big guns and their portable sonogram machine my Ob Doc still couldn’t find the heartbeat. By now I was freaking out. She ordered a vaginal ultrasound stat. But stat literally took 45mins because the lab had to stay on schedule with their other ultrasound appts. So I sat in the waiting room by myself left with only my thoughts and all I could think was the worst – losing this baby.
I’ll never forget how compassionate Doctor Rutledge was during my loss. She cried in my room with me, gave me a big hug. She even got on the phone with Brandon and explained everything to him since I was a complete mess. Then she walked me out the back door of the office, and she told me to call her on her cell phone if I needed anything.
There are so many things I wish I knew. But because miscarriage is still so taboo or hush-hush people don’t talk about. I wish I knew the pain I feel will never go away. I wish I knew that God would heal my heart but it would take time. I wish I knew that my husband and I would grieve differently… that he cares just as much about the loss of our baby as I do, but differently. I wish I knew how many other women are affected by this and how normal it is. If you’re out there struggling with loss please know you’re not alone. If you need someone one to talk to or pray with, I’m here.
You are not alone.
I came across this website three years ago after my miscarriage, and it helped me grieve, process the loss and know I’m not in this alone. I played Casting Crowns – Just be Held over and over again during that season. I remember being in church on Sundays during praise and worship and struggled to hold back the tears.
No matter what your motherhood journey looks like, or maybe you’re still waiting on your journey to begin after months maybe years of trying, you are right where you need to be. You are exactly the mother your babies need.
I loved being apart of this motherhood video that The Morning put together to share.
“I see you. I have not forgotten. God has not forgotten. YOU are not forgotten.”
To the woman looking at yet another negative pregnancy test; I see you.
To the woman holding only a memory of a heartbeat, I see you.
To the woman staring at a gravestone, I see you.
I see your bravery every time you smile and every time you get out of bed and every time you hold a baby that isn’t yours and every time you give the honest answer about how many children you have. I see your sacrifice when you show up to church or to work or to your best friend’s baby shower even though it hurts like hell.
I see your selflessness when you put another’s needs above your own, even when your heart is breaking.
I see your compassion when you weep over another’s story of loss and heartache.
I see your faith when you praise the God who could have stopped this pain.
I see you. And I am so grateful for your example.
And more importantly, God sees you. Every sleepless night, every tear. Every single one.
Psalm 56.8 says: “YOU HAVE KEPT COUNT OF MY TOSSINGS; PUT MY TEARS IN YOUR BOTTLE.”
On this day that feels heavy and hard, I hope you know and treasure this above all else: that you are loved and seen today by a God who is powerful enough to heal your broken heart, a God who is ever-present, never leaving you alone, a God who is Sovereign, always in control, a God who is faithful, committed and loyal and constant, unwavering, a God who loves you unconditionally, with a never stopping never giving up unbreaking always and forever kind of love, a God who is attentive and aware.
He sees you, He knows. And He has never left your side and He never will. Because He loves you.
I pray you know and believe today that you are more loved than you could ever imagine. I’m praying for you today.
#babyloss #miscarriage #ihadamiscarriage #infantlossawareness
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